Healing by Grace

I have been soaking for awhile in the "new" revelation that even if I sin, it does not negate the fact that Jesus already bore that sin for me, and that because He did that, every single sin committed past, present, or future is under His blood and completely and absolutely washed away, by His grace.  The more I "try", the more I fail; the more I "trust" in a finished work, the more I am able to live sin free, because I live through Him and what He did.  This new way of thinking is freeing me from useless and discouraging self-effort, and even from self-pride and anything related to self at all.  It is because of Him and Him alone that I can call myself righteous.  It is good to be released from the "law of faith", where I mistakenly felt that through my faith and trust in God, He would show me how and help me to be better. 

It suddenly occurred to me today that I have also been putting myself under that same "law of faith" when it comes to healing from the frequent headaches I have been plagued with in recent years.  Whenever a headache would occur, I felt pressure to "stand against it", "not accept it", and especially not to lean on the "arm of the flesh" (medications) to give me relief.  I knew I wasn't spending the time necessary to build my faith by looking constantly to the Word, and I felt ashamed that I struggled with fully trusting in Jesus' healing, which I knew was, at least theoretically, mine.  This was reinforced by the fact that I very, very often have successfully "taken a stand" verbally and with the Word against colds, the flu, and other aches and pains.  But the headaches were always so debilitating, and I felt so sick, that I would "stand" for awhile and then give in, much to my shame, usually with a promise to God to "do better" next time.  "Next time, I won't take medication!  Next time, I'll stand on the Word even if I die!  Next time, I'll honor what You did on the cross for me, Lord, I really will!"  Then I would then go to my cupboard with my tail between my legs, take the medication, feel wonderful, thank God, and then worry about destroying my kidneys or liver from taking the pills so often.  What a hated routine.  What fear of encountering another attack (which I already knew would prove me a loser).   I felt like a user of cocaine or like someone enslaved to alcohol.  Same vicious cycle!  I felt just like an addict!

But then, because the message of grace has so released me from my sin problem, I think the same message began to seep into my healing problem.  It suddenly occurred to me that, no matter the physical symptoms, I am healed, just like, no matter if I sin or not, I am righteous!  So, even if I have a headache, I'm healed!  Even if I take medication, it doesn't change the fact that I'm healed!  And furthermore, if I (take) "any deadly thing, it will not harm me" (Mark 16:18)  That means, I need not worry about my kidneys or liver being destroyed.   Whatever I do, I am healed!  This is monumental!  This is fabulous!  This is life-changing!

If I sin, it doesn't matter, I'm still righteous.  If I have a headache or take medication, it doesn't matter, I'm still healed!  There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus!  He did a complete and finished work.  "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not ALL His benefits:  Who forgives ALL your iniquities, Who heals ALL your diseases..."  (Psalm 103:2,3)  Oh, He is wonderful!  Oh, He is amazing!  Oh, praise Him, praise Him, praise Him, forever and ever and ever!  He is sooooooooooo good, and He loves me!!!!

Fear or Faith

Whenever Jesus was dealing with anyone facing a scary situation, He was quick to say, "Do not fear" almost before the person or persons had a chance to think.  (Examples would be when people told Jairus that his daughter had died, Mark 5:36; or when Jesus came walking on the sea toward his disciples in the boat, John 6:20.)   This happened often enough that it is safe to say that Jesus considered it critical not to fear, many times likely to stave off the very thing that was feared from actually happening.

What may not be obvious to most of us at first is that Jesus is teaching us, when faced with fear, to choose not to fear.  Chances to fear abound, that's for sure.  Our child gets sick, our teenager is late getting home, we begin to get a sore throat, we have pain somewhere in our bodies, we get caught driving in a terrible storm, etc., etc.  Many days I pray for my family and friends, "Lord, if today any of us faces fear or faith, let us each choose faith."  It is critical that we choose faith.

One evening when my youngest son (who had always been trustworthy) was still in high school, he was somewhat late driving home, and I was struggling with horrible fearful thoughts.  (This was before everyone had a cell phone!)  The Lord spoke to me clearly and said, "You are putting him in far more danger by sitting up and fearing for his safety than he would be if you'd trust him into My care and go to bed.  Do not fear!"  In some sort of crazy way, I had been feeling that by worrying about him (fearing) , I was actually caring about him and thus protecting him.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  The Lord said I was putting him in danger.  When I looked at it this way, I spoke out boldly, "I refuse to fear!" and made myself go to bed, knowing he was safe.  (He was.)

I have read many stories of people who were miraculously delivered from sickness, bills, accidents (both before, during, and after)--anything--by refusing to fear.  I...REFUSE...TO...FEAR!   

Why Fasting Works

I have studied fasting and wondered so many times if it is a key to answered prayer, and if so, why?  This much I know, that nothing we do, including fasting, forces God to do anything.  I have also considered that fasting may be an act that makes the person fasting more "spiritually sensitive", so that s/he can receive more easily from God.

The latter may be somewhat true, but after much thinking and praying, I think it is this:  Fasting is usually not easily done by any of us.  Hunger is a powerful, natural motivator, and so many of us have found that, good intentions aside, we succumb to the temptation to eat, even if we really don't want to.

However, when one actually does fast, it is because the matter at hand is critically important to us.  It is more important than satisfying and pleasing our own selves.  So we deny ourselves "pleasure" for a greater cause--which, I think it boils down to, is love.  Fasting works because it is an act of love.  "There is no greater love than this, but that you lay your life down for another."  (John 15:13)  A few verses later, Jesus says "...I appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide; so that whatever you ask the Father in My name, He may give it to you.  This I command you, to love one another."  (John 15:16-17)  I rest my case!

Moving Mountains

"And Jesus answered them, "Truly I say to you, if you have faith and never doubt, you will not only do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' it will be done.  And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith."  Matthew 21:21

We were reading Matthew 21 in our homemeeting not long ago, and I shared that this verse always bothers me.  My first reaction is always, "Well, then I'll never move mountains, because I know I would always have doubt for something like that."  We got to discussing it in the light of grace.  I was gently reminded that, even though these were words of Jesus, He had not yet died, He had not yet freed His people from the burden of obedience as the key to blessing.  Jesus was talking to Jews who were only familiar with the do's and don'ts of the old covenant.  Quite likely, we discussed, He knew his disciples would probably whisper the same objections amongst themselves as I did, every time I read it:  "Well, if it takes me not doubting to do what He's doing, I know I'll never be able to do it!"  Which, most likely, is exactly the response Jesus wanted them to have.  Patiently, over and over again, He is teaching them the futility of the law and obedience to it.  He is letting them realize how worthless their own self-efforts at righteousness are.

It is the first time I have understood this verse, ever!  It is the first time I did not whip myself for not being able.  Of course I'm not able.  But (obviously) He is!  My righteousness is not because of anything I have done or deserved.  It is a free gift, imparted to me, and as I accept it, I understand that "In Him I live and move and have my being!"  (Acts 17:28)   If I am ever to do a miracle, it must be by relying on His strength, His ability, His right standing with God.  It's not about me!  That's how I know, if I ever need it to be, any mountain in my life will be moved!

Scared of Being Sick

I'm ashamed to say that I have done this more than once:  having some weird symptom in my body, though I try not to do it, it's easy to begin to wonder if what I have is something major and/or incurable.  If I let my thoughts and my mind go, I can really begin to fear that I could be in for a battle for my very life!  Sadly, I've pictured what it would be like to slowly succumb...how I'd tell my children and my friends...how I'd come to grips with leaving this earth before I was ready.

I'm certainly not making light of anyone who has dealt with such things and found out that he or she is, indeed, dying.  But, thank God, each time this has happened to me, research on the internet or self-testing of some sort has convinced me that my fears were unfounded.

I know not everyone believes God heals today.  But whenever I have been in such a fear-gripped situation, turning to the Word has been my hope and my comfort.  I particularly love Isaiah's prophetic vision of Jesus in Isaiah 53:4:  "Surely He has borne our sicknesses and carried our pains!"  We discussed "surely" in our home group and found that it means "without question".  I love that!  Without question He has borne my sicknesses!"  Yes!  So I won't question if He has! I also love Psalm 103:2-5:  "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits:  Who forgives all my iniquity, Who heals all my diseases, Who redeems my life from the Pit, Who crowns me with steadfast love and mercy, Who satisfies me with good as long as I live, so my youth is renewed like the (strong and majestic) eagle's!"

Oh, God is good, yes He is!  "When I am afraid, I put my trust in Thee."  (Psalm 56:3)  No matter what, even if there comes a day when I really do have to face a real threat to my life, His Word gives me hope and comfort.  I love You, Lord, so much!

To Obey is Better Than Sacrifice

I Samuel 15:22-23 says, "Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord?  Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.  For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.  Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He has also rejected you (from being king)."

Yes, obedience is far better than sacrifice.  If I never sin to begin with, I don't need a sacrifice for my sins.  If my heart is not stubborn, and I follow the word of the Lord perfectly, then I can be confident He doesn't reject me.

The thing is, "None is righteous, no, not one," for "...all men...are under the power of sin."  (Romans 3:9)  I sure know this!  Even Paul, probably the most perfect man besides Christ, said, "I can will what is right, but I cannot do it."  (Romans 7:18)  Even if I want to obey, I can never do it to God's satisfaction.

That's why, yes, to obey is better than sacrifice.  But GRACE is better than obedience!  How can it possibly be that this grace is a free gift?  (See Romans 5)  I don't know, I don't know!  But I am soooooooooooooo happy that "where sin increased, GRACE abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, GRACE might also reign through (free!) righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.  

Obedience is better than sacrifice, but grace is better than anything!  "Those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.  (Romans 5:17)  I love you, Jesus!

Body-Soul-Spirit Praying

In my lifetime, I have had some rather remarkable answers to prayer.  Some were actually miraculous.  I do not think that I am anything other than an ordinary human being (though always extraordinary because of the grace of God!)  But still, this kind of prayer has almost always yielded amazing results.

For whatever reason, it has taken me a long time to realize how powerful this body-soul-spirit prayer is.  I am also sad to say that life and all of its distractions constantly get in the way, so I haven't spent enough time exploring it.  More and more I'm ready to, though.

The prayer I'm talking about is the kind described in Romans 8:26:  "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for (in place of) us with groanings too deep for words (which cannot be uttered KJV)."  It's the kind of prayer hardly anyone knows anything about, but it's the kind of prayer a concern-soaked mother--or sometimes a willing servant of God--can pray and, in my experience, get results.

I do not claim to be an expert on prayer.  BUT, I have had some relatively miraculous answers to prayer, and every single one of them was a result of THIS kind of prayer and the answer came quickly.  I have to say that I don't really understand it, and that I am becoming more and more ready to explore its possibilities, but I can say that, as far as I can tell, it really works.

I believe most people pray the "Now I lay me"-type of prayers, the kind people pray in church when they "lift up" people in prayer.  The prayer I'm talking about is different.  It involves the body, soul, and spirit of the pray-er on behalf of someone else's need. 

In my experience, sometimes this kind of prayer is God-induced, like it was when I fell into prayer for my son, my daughter-in-law, and their baby girl the morning before a horrible car accident.  I was in my car pulling onto the expressway.  I hadn't felt necessarily close to God recently, but was missing Him and wanting to return, so I kind of haphazardly prayed, "Who do you want me to pray for this morning, Lord?"  Instantly and heavily, I felt Him lay my daughter-in-law on my heart.  I began praying for her in tongues, but the prayer got intense, quickly (through no fault of my own!)  I was praying as if my heart would break, feeling it deep in my soul, crying out in complete anguish!  No one was more surprised than I, and I was grateful it was dark out, so that people in passing cars wouldn't gawk at this sobbing mess of humanity.  It seemed like I would pray intensely for miles, then come briefly back to my senses.  I would think, "Wow, this is so strange!"  In my head I thought perhaps I was praying for her salvation, but I really didn't know.  God spoke to me at least twice, but the only thing He said that I could discern was, "I love Asha"!  I drove all the way to work in this hyper-emotional state.  Then, when I pulled off the expressway, about 40 minutes after the beginning of my trek, the burdens all lifted almost instantly, and I felt a wonderful, ecstatic joy!  I was stopped at a light and remember feeling like I could have gotten out of my car and literally danced around it, I was so happy!   I thought, "Wow, that was amazing!"  But then, at work, "life took over" and I forgot all about the prayer until my husband and I got a call about 10 p.m. that evening from my son, saying they had been in a horrible car wreck.  An extremely drunk driver had come screaming toward them down an ordinary city highway, hitting first one car (throwing two young boy occupants out onto the pavement), then another vehicle, sending the latter airborne.  This SUV landed on top of the van in which my son and his family were driving (my daughter-in-law at the wheel, my son in the front passenger seat, and his baby in the middle back seat.)  It deeply crushed the front rooftop of their van, rolling off and landing upside down on the pavement next to their vehicle.

On the way to the accident, I remembered the intense prayer I had had earlier that morning and mentioned it to my husband.  He said, "You know, I'll bet everyone will 'walk away' from that accident because of that prayer."  But when we arrived and saw the mangled cars, it was hard to believe anyone could.  They were using the jaws of life to get my daughter-in-law out of the van.  My son was okay (ended up having a few cracked ribs).  The baby, though she was strapped into her car seat in the middle seat of the van and had glass everywhere around her, had not one sliver of glass in her car seat, nor even a scratch on her body.  The man who was in the crushed upside-down SUV next to the van (smashed to the bottom of the windows) had some relatively minor injuries but indeed "walked away" (still cannot understand how).  The boys who were thrown out of their car (the first vehicle hit) were recovered from their injuries by the time I spoke with one of their mothers by phone, a few days after the accident.  (My husband had spoken with a police officer at the scene who said he watched a broken and mangled arm of one of the young boys sort of "heal itself"--go back into normal position--while he was sprawled on the ground.)  My daughter-in-law ended up with a small cut on her head.  In an accident where it looked like no one should have lived, they all did indeed "walk away".  Was this an answer to my prayer, which God nearly imposed upon me, earlier that day?  I think it was.

Another time, I went to wedding reception (2nd marriage for widow) and sat next to her daughter, who, like me at the time, was barren.  Her name was Jeanie. We shared our deep desires to get pregnant, and the heartache of living through years of disappointment.  On the way home from that wedding, I began to have an intense desire to pray for this girl.  By the time I got home, I told my husband I needed some time to be alone, because I felt like God wanted me to pray for Jeanie to have a baby.  I shut myself into a bedroom and began to pray and weep from the bottom of my soul!  After a length of time, once again the heavy burden lifted and I felt overwhelmingly joyful!  I thought God said, "Jeanie will have a son." 

I wanted to call her immediately and tell her, but then I wasn't sure if what I had heard was from God or if I was just imagining it.  So I didn't call her right away.  A few weeks later, though, I thought, "Well, I'll just call her and tell her I had some good prayer for her and I that I thought God said she would have a son."  I called her and she shrieked, "You'll never guess what!  I missed my period!  I'm pregnant!!!"  She had a son.

 Another God-inspired prayer happened when I was relaxing in an armchair in our living room.  All of a sudden, "out of the blue", I had the strongest unction to pray for my cousin, who had just had a baby a few weeks before.  Again, I shut myself in a bedroom, fell to my knees, and prayed with immediate urgency and intensity, knowing I was praying for my cousin, but not really knowing for what.  It was the Romans 8:26 kind of prayer again, with groanings too deep for words (prayed mostly in tongues).  When the release came, I had confidence this time to call my cousin right away.  Come to find out, she had been suffering from severe post-partum depression, and was seriously considering suicide at the exact moment I prayed.  Afterwards, she experienced release from the depression and was never again subject to it.  Amazing God!

Though these and other incidences were more or less God-inspired prayers, I also have prayed for others and my own children when I myself have felt deeply burdened. One example that comes to mind was when my uncle was dying. Though he had seemed in good health, he collapsed in his yard and was rushed to the hospital where he remained in a coma, near death.  My cousins were really hurting, wishing they simply had the chance to say one last goodbye to him.   I prayed (with great emotion, hurting for my cousins) and my uncle rather miraculously "awakened" long enough for his children to express their love to him, and he to them.  I think God responded to that prayer.

Often music will help me get started, such as these from YouTube:
At the Cross    Hillsong
Wonderful, Merciful Savior    Selah
Before the Throne of God Above     Selah
Lead Me to the Cross    Hillsong
Healer of My Soul
Break Every Chain     Jesus Culture
...or any of a ton of "personal" songs that have ministered to me and led me into worship.

Now here's the thing:  when I sing a song, I become an intercessor.  Can't remember where or when I was taught this or read it in a book, but a true intercessor doesn't just plead someone's case before God, he or she actually takes the place (sort of in the spirit) of this person before God.  I know that probably sounds a little strange, but most of the time it has been what has swept me right into the deepest prayer, and it usually doesn't take long.  For instance, when I sang At the Cross while interceding for one of my sons, the "me" in the song was actually my son in my mind, not myself, and I was singing it as if he, himself, were doing it.  (I know that must sound strange.)  But I would sing, "Oh, Lord, You've searched me (meaning meaning my son, because I'm standing in place of him), You know my way.  Even when I fail You, I know You love me!" (At the Cross, by Hillsong)  By this time, my mother-love for him already had me tearing up.  I sang, letting my son bathe in the presence of God as I warbled on.  Sometimes when I do this I sing several songs before it happens, but very often, eventually I just break down and sob.  For my children, I am sure it comes in part out of my deep deep love for them, but through the prayer, somehow I know that God is supernaturally touching the person for whom I'm praying.  I see it!  I feel it!

I just let myself go emotionally.  This is why I can't be someplace where people can hear.  I often cry, but they aren't my tears, they are somehow the tears of whomever I'm praying for, crying out to God, pleading with God, and my voice will say things like, "Help me, God!  I'm so lost!  I'm so lonely!  I need You!  I want You!  I don't know what to do!  Lead me to You!"

Sometimes I have sobbed so deeply that I can feel the pain of what the person I'm praying for is feeling with great intensity.  And here's where the "groanings" of Romans 8:26 come in, the kind I've heard come from people who just found out they lost a child to unexpected death.  There are really no words that can express this depth of emotion.  (It is here, too, that speaking in tongues has often come to my aid.)

Occasionally (as in the case of my prayers for my son the morning before his car wreck, or as in the case of my friend for a pregnancy) after intense prayer the burden suddenly lifts, and I am immediately flooded with practically overwhelming joy!  Then I know the prayer is finished, and I've learned from experience that a miracle is likely coming!  But other times, there was no such release.  I believe that is because I'm not done yet.

I've thought about it a lot, and I think this kind of prayer works because it involves body, soul, and spirit.  It's more than just words.  It's everything I am!  I think emotions are a huge, untapped resource, and though unfortunately they can get negatively perverted through rage and hate, etc., I think that GOD meant for them to be used to love other people.  And this kind of prayer is truly an investment of the heart.

I do pray that God uses me more and more to explore this kind of praying, ...and I pray that I don't let life get in the way.  I love seeing God answer prayer!!!

 

Jesus is Done with Me!

To most people who are waiting for Jesus to do something in their lives (heal them, deliver them from a bad situation, give them finances they need) it would be sad news to hear that Jesus is done with them.  To me, it is what gives me the greatest hope!  

It is still sinking in that when Jesus said, "It is finished", He meant it.  He really is done with me--and mankind.  I know that sounds harsh--but actually, like so many Biblical truths, it isn't what it first seems.  It's only finished because He did all He will ever need to do to restore my relationship with my Father, God.  His sinless sacrifice of Himself satisfies God forever as the atonement for all sin I have committed in the past, commit right now, or will commit in the future.  I don't know how, but when God looks at me, He sees me through the righteousness of Jesus.  That righteousness is a gift to me, unearned, undeserved, but still mine.  Not only that, but everything that makes life happy and good--health, wealth, peace, joy, and all other good things--are mine, too, because of Jesus.  


My response to this is to love God, love Him fully and passionately!  (I love Him because He first loved me!)  I want to give back to Him in whatever way(s) that I can, to honor Him with my life and my heart.

Yes, Jesus is done with me.  He is not "going" to heal me, He is not "going" to bless me--He's already done that, praise Him now and forever!!!  I--yes I, imperfect, failing, temptable Jan--can stand before God at any moment of any day or night and know I am loved and accepted to the utmost!  I can receive the benefits of this salvation by faith whenever I choose to, without having to wait for Him to act.


If that isn't a reason to be happy and satisfied to the depths of my soul, I do not know what is.  Thank You, my dear, dear Jesus, thank You!  I love You so much!

A Baby by Faith

Immediately after becoming born-again believers in Christ, my husband and I wanted to conceive a child.  5 years later, after many physical tests (each one worse than the one before), after most of my friends and my sister conceived with no problems, after experiencing the monthly roller coaster of building hopes and dashed dreams, and after being offered a child for adoption, which we refused, hoping and believing we would still be able to somehow conceive our own, it seemed we were likely destined to be childless.

Someone had given me a cassette tape entitled "A Baby by Faith from God", which described one woman's dogged determination to believe God's word in spite of all odds.  Several people in my church had given me baby things, like a cradle and a pair of bootie shoes, and I wondered if this was God, giving me hope.  A friend in my church, who was also barren, believed God told her to wear maternity clothes to show her faith, and she ended up conceiving and having a little girl.  

Once my friend conceived her baby, I knew that if she could do it, so could I.  I began reading every Christian healing book I could get my hands on, including books by John Osteen, Kenneth Hagin, T. L. Osborn and others.  Kenneth Hagin's book Bible Faith Study Course, given to me by a neighbor, was particularly inspiring and helpful.  I began to feel faith grow a little bit.

I searched the Word,  and God gave me various scriptures on topics like Faith, Maintaining Victory, The Reward of Patience, The Character of God, Reasons Why I Can Expect Healing, and Conceiving Children.  I typed them, printed them, and cut them to fit a spiral-bound 3x5 index card holder which I carried with me everywhere. (I found them so valuable that I still use the scripture pack to this day.)   I also taped all of the scriptures onto cassette tapes (no CDs or MP3 players back then) and kept a copy at home and in my car, so that I could listen to them constantly.  I either read through or listened to the Bible verses as many times as I possibly could (I was working, teaching school at the time).  I also kept reading books on healing.  I was getting bold in my believing, and my hope for a child was increasing.

One day during summer vacation from teaching school (July), I was vacuuming my bedroom, not thinking about God at all, when I heard His voice say loudly and clearly (inside me?), "I have given you the faith to believe for a baby."  So sure was I that I had heard God that I shut off the vacuum sweeper and sat down on my bed.  Shaking, I said to God, "Okay...well...what should I do?"  He said, "I want you to wear maternity clothes."  

To that, I immediately said "No!"  I got up off my bed and stomped up and back down our long hallway, "No, no, NO!"  Returning to the bedroom and sitting on the bed again I said, "I do NOT want to do what my friend did, just copying her."  Then, after a few minutes, "God, if this is truly You, I want you to give me a good reason for wearing the maternity clothes."

In an instant, with no hesitation, He replied, "I'll give you TWO reasons.  First, it will make you stand up before all men for what you believe.  Second, it will remind you daily that I am giving you a baby!"

That's all I needed.  I went to my closet.  My younger sister, who had just had a baby a short time before, had given me all of her maternity clothes when we were visiting her the week before.  She had said at the time, "I don't know why I'm giving you these.  I just believe you're going to need them."  I had taken them and hung them in my closet.  So, when God instructed me, I took out a maternity top and put it on.

At the time I was maybe at best 105 pounds, with no belly whatsoever.  We had just moved into this house the month before, and I had been invited to an outdoor "Tupperware" party, given by my next door neighbor, for that afternoon.  Immediately I began worrying what I would say, if anybody questioned my maternity shirt.  (In those days, they were loose and flowing, not tight like they are today.)  I never did figure out what I would say.  I went to the party, but by the grace of God, no one questioned me.  I remember being SO relieved!

That summer went by.  My parents took me out to a restaurant for coffee one evening and my mother proceeded to accuse me that I was crazy, to tell me that I was a shame to the family, etc., etc.  I really couldn't blame her, because I knew she didn't understand faith, but I told her I was not crazy, that I was obeying God, and that God told me I would be pregnant within 6 months.  I told her I trusted that, and I was going to do what He said.  In the meantime, I kept reading His promises and rejoicing in them.

September came, and it was time for me to return to teach school.  Everyone at school knew how much I wanted a baby.  When I showed up in maternity clothes, there were lots of questions.  People wanted to know if I was pregnant.  I told them, "No, but God told me to wear maternity clothes by faith according to Mark 11:24 (believe you receive and you'll have) until I got pregnant.  He told me if I would obey Him, I would conceive a child.  I believe Him."  Still, there were people who made fun of me and talked behind my back.  My principal called me into his office and asked the same question, along with what I would say to parents if they asked me what was going on.  I told him I would tell them just what I told him--the truth.  I really thought he would call the men in white jackets to come and get me but he said, "Well, more power to you."  And he let me go.

September, October, November, and December came and went.  My husband even said at one point, "I don't know, but maybe you should give this up."  By that time, I was so convinced that I told him I would never give up, ever!  

January came and I was late for my period.  I knew, knew, knew I was pregnant!  The home pregnancy tests at that time were not instant--you had to wait, I think it was an hour, before anything would show.  But the test was definitely positive.  

When we joyfully went to share with my parents the good news, my mom said, "Well, I hope so," and she left the room.  I guess I can't blame her.  She only believed when she saw my pregnant belly, months later.  

When I showed up at school (work) not wearing a maternity top, my friend and fellow teammate said to me, "I thought God told you you had to wear maternity clothes until you were pregnant."
I said, "Yes, that's true."  It took a few seconds, but then her eyes got big and she practically screamed, "You're pregnant?!!!?"  We laughed and danced and spread the news!


Later, after I had birthed my beautiful daughter Andrea, I brought my baby to my school.  One of the teachers who had teased and made fun of me asked if she could hold the baby.  She took Andrea in her arms and asked me, "What did you name her?"  I told her, "Andrea Michelle, which means 'womanly, in the image of God'. "  This teacher said, "If EVER a baby should have been named 'Faith'!"... 

God is so good.  He blessed us with three more babies after Andrea, plus a conviction that His Word works!   I am so thankful for His goodness and grace.  I love being a mother, and I love knowing that faith in God works!  
 

First Entry

I have kept journals my entire life.  Decided to switch from paper journaling to online.

This is a good point to start, because I feel like I have a new lease on life.  I have been a Christian for 35 years, but only this year have I really understood what it is to walk in grace.  Up until the last four or five months, I have always tried way too hard to "be good", to be what I knew I should be, to do things right, to please God.  The least little thing could make me feel like I failed Him.  I was under the mistaken impression that somehow God would someday be able to "sanctify" me and maybe eventually really baptize me in the Holy Ghost and with power.  I never understood what it was like to walk in grace.

Now, things that I have always sort of known, I finally believe.  Jesus did a complete work at the cross.  He defeated all powers and principalities, He bore all my sins and sicknesses, He absolutely 100% redeemed my life.  How God sees me pure and white as snow through the blood of Jesus, I will never know.  But I'll tell you this much:  knowing that He does, that there will never ever be another thing that can separate me from Him, that I am redeemed from every curse of the law, and that there is no condemnation, not one shred, for me in Christ Jesus, I have found that knowledge has actually empowered me to walk in a way I have never been able to up until now!

I love God, and I love Jesus for suffering and dying for me.  As I walk in grace, I am so happy and content.  There could be no better life!